Hey everyone….a few updates for tonight..
I was supposed to meet with him Friday night. After work, I went to go pick up my 5k packet from the running store. I came back and waited. And waited. I eventually texted him to see if we were still on. He texted me back and had totally forgotten about me. WTF. To make it up to me, he gave me a free session today. Appreciated, but going to campus today is not what I had in mind.
Today turned out to be really well. He had another trainer shadowing him and today was all about arms. I told him my goal was to be able to do a pull up and he worked me good today. We used this elastic/rubber band to assist with pull ups and I was surprised that it worked. He had me wear myself out for each activity. We did some bench pressing, some rowing, a fly machine, and more rowing. I could feel my forearms becoming very very tight. Here’s hoping for growth!
I got up early in the morning to do the Pride Run on Saturday. It was by ASU so once again, I had to make the haul out to campus to get it done. I didn’t mind that much, but I sure was tired! I managed to get one of the last parking spaces. I walk up to the start line and people are milling about. As usual, I’m to shy to talk to anyone, so I just stand around and off to the side.
As the race starts, I notice that the group isn’t moving very fast and I wanted to speed ahead. I found my break and went for it. It turns out that I was on the tail end of the first group of runners. I tried to keep my pace with them. There was quite a long space between me and the people behind me. I wasn’t sure to be happy or sad about that. As I crossed the finish line, I turn around and look at my time. The clock was still in the 26th minute. Holy cow! I beat my personal best by a few minutes. That was the highlight of my day.
These past few days have been very rough for me. I’m beginning to notice that I’ve been placing value on people who don’t really value or respect me. It is always a similar scenario. I have plans with someone and they forget or cancel. They say they will reschedule, but they never do. Of course, I’m foolish enough to hope that they’ll come through this time. It happened with my work out buddy this week. It happened with my personal trainer. It happened with a lunch date for my hair stylist. It happened with a few of my friends. No more of that. I’m done reaching out like I have. More time to focus on myself. I deserve more. I deserve better. No more time for people who don’t have time for me.
I got a letter last night. Apparently, Leo’s license didn’t go through and they had sent a prior notice that I had not received. This was back in January. Now they want some money and for me to remedy this within 15 days or they will be giving me a class 2 misdemeanor. Again..WTF? Another thing to worry about.
Perhaps the most cutting thing occurred around the marriage equality debate. How can you claim to support and love me as a friend but not want to see me married to the one I love? Friends and family members have this view and it drives me insane. It inspires me to go on the offensive against religious bigots and to cut those bridges. I want to, but I know that I won’t.
All of this really brought me down the past few days. I even ended up not going out to Pride because of my mood. Thankfully, Paul, Joel, and Nelson still got me out for dinner for Joel’s birthday. Good friends and I am thankful for them. On the way home, that’s when it hit me that I have been valuing people who don’t value me. That’s when the tears started to come. It hurts to know that. I started, briefly, to think of what I could do differently to feel valued by others. Pardon my language, but fuck that thought! I’m not going to change myself to fit in. I’m going to surround myself with people who naturally fit in with me. Most importantly, I will value myself more and first.