Thinking

Today was a day for the struggle-bus.

The day started out okay with a work meeting. It was one of my mentor’s last day at work before taking a new position. I’m going to miss her so much. She was a real advocate for us here at work. Now, we’re kind of on our own. She had a little bit of a celebration at the meeting. Since it was her last day, there was cake. I had a piece of cake, but quickly logged it into MFP. I figured I would work it off at the gym later that day.

In the second half of the day, I started a conversation with a friend where I quickly became a target of some rather harsh criticism. Some of it was valid. Some of it was certainly not. So, this guy thinks I’m a horrible friend for prioritizing friends and never going much in depth with details during conversations. Both of these are true. I do prioritize some friends above others. If they happen to be busy and I’m still wanting to go do something, I will go on and ask other people in my network. It’s not intentionally mean, but it is how I operate. It isn’t that I don’t want to spend time with others in my network, it is just that I tend to cultivate the plants that are providing me with the most in my life. I’m not sure if I need or want to change that.

He did have a major point in that sometimes I tend to be uninterested in the details of conversations and flutter from topic to topic. Part of this is my own social awkwardness and part of it is just not thinking there was anything more to say. If you tell me you’ve graded papers all day, I know what that’s like and I don’t think more details need to be specifically said. I can see where this is an area for improvement for some. Just because I don’t think there’s anything else there does not mean that the person I’m with is thinking in a similar fashion.

The oddest thing is that I actually do really know how to listen to people. Better than most people, I would think. I just have to turn it on and I often don’t because I tend to go into counselor mode when that happens and I want to stay away from that.

Beyond that, there were several misunderstandings on my motives which lead to sarcasm and anger. I put the ball in his court to continue any form of friendship and he appears uninterested in continuing. Needless to say, that conversation brought me to tears. Losing a friend is never easy. Instead of the gym, I went home to get some of my life in order. I cleaned and had dinner (within the diet) and took the dogs on separate walks. They behaved splendidly. Josh offered me some of his hummus, and I had a bit with some carrots. Pretty tasty. Still under my calorie limit for the day and I’m happy.

I did weigh myself this morning. Back down to 208. On the right track.

Days like this really help cement my decision for my plans to relocate once I earn my doctorate.

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